cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
