the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
