So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
