If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
