Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize