genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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