I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
being pregnant is like rehab
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
