Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
