so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
