paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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