I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
