I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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