Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Found your dick twin last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
