im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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