hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
