good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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