I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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