shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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