sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
