Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Enjoy the penises
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
