dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
