dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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