A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
