walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
