i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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