At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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