Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
