Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
