Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im six kinds of drunk right now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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