can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
