that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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