woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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