you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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