Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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