She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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