His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I understand Curling. That high.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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