I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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