she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
