Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
