Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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