if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize