omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
