he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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