This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
