i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
