the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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