I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize