did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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