I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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