I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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