Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jger and an empty bed here Friday.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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