you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
nutella sex= disaster
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
