Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
