it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
