im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
