i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
