True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
