She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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