i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
