You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
