She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
